Fear of the unknown

The future is totally up in the air. We think we have an idea of what our future may look like, but that could change in the blink of an eye. I don't know about you, but I hate the unknown. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Will I be a working mom? A stay-at-home mom? Pastor's wife? Will we have more kids? Will we be in Miami..Chicago...LA? Will I use my degree? Should I even be in school right now? These are questions that I ponder way too much. 


Jaakan is a big dreamer and very spontaneous and adventurous. Me on the other hand- I like to plan and prepare and know what is ahead. I like a sense of stability and routine. (but I must admit that we balance each other out VERY well! Thanks for that Lord- you knew that all along :) ). Lately it has been really stressful for me to not know what lies ahead, because sometimes it affects my present moment. I get anxious and on-edge and loose a sense of peace. 


Jay and I were talking last night and I was telling him all this and how it is extremely hard for me. My life verse, which I have gone back to so many times is Jeremiah 29:11, which says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." What reassurance! We have an almighty God who has our lives in HIS hands. He is in control and we have no need to worry. Jay was saying that he thinks that there is a reason why God doesn't allow us to know everything. If we did, there would be no need to TRUST Him. We would   plan and prepare for everything and not rely on the Lord every step of the way. Maybe we aren't ready to know the future. Maybe we couldn't handle it. Who knows!? But God does. 


There is nothing harder than learning to surrender to God's plan for my life. It seems more and more that life isn't what I thought it would be (which isn't a bad thing). Jay is pursuing pastoral studies and never in my wildest dreams did I think of being a pastor's wife. Can I be even more honest when I say that I never wanted to be one! (I think that God has a sense of humor sometimes!) We go back and forth and back and forth with the idea of doing ministry fully together side-by-side. We wonder what that looks like and what God has planned for us and our family. 


Right now is a time of seeking the Lord and praying that He will guide our next steps. It is also a time of learning and being faithful in the present.
I am going to stay in school and be faithful to my family until the Lord calls me to do otherwise. He knows the hopes and dreams in my heart. And I want to get to the place where I am willing to do ANYTHING and give up the comfortableness of "knowing." Trusting the Lord is NOT easy sometimes huh? But the Lord required OBEDIENCE from His children, and that includes me!


Proberbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your OWN understanding, in all your ways acknowledge HIM and He will give you the desires of your heart."
I think more and more that God knows the desires of our hearts more than we know our own. He knows what it is going to take to make me the woman of God that He created me to be. It is a painful, confusing, and hard process sometimes, but God is in control, and there is JOY in the journey! I need to get back to that point of placing my ENTIRE life (family, school, church, hobbies, etc.) in open palms, knowing that God can give and take away at any time. He can call us to pick up everything and follow him tomorrow, if that's what He has for us. And I need to be willing to do that!


Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."